Choose to BE Free
It's a word we all like to see. It gets our attention.
"Buy one get one free"... who doesn't like to see that when they go shopping? Especially if it's an item that you want.
Free excites us right?
If you were given the choice to purchase something or get it for free which one would you choose?Many would say they would choose "free" and yet who doesn't love being able to afford to buy something? Truth is though that those "free" offers usually come with a price being paid.
So I ask you the question today... what is the price of freedom?
But more importantly what is freedom WORTH to you?
For me, freedom equates to peace and peace to me is worth EVERYTHING!! There's no price too great for it.
When I'm free in my mind I'm at peace.
When I'm free in my spirit I'm at peace.
When I'm free in my finances I feel peace.
When I'm emotionally free I feel peaceful.
But in my life I have learned that freedom comes with a price. Freedom often requires sacrifice as well. Many will tell you that they want to be free, to have peace, but often aren't willing to do what is required to achieve that.
Peace and freedom is a state of mind that when practiced consistently can become a state of BEing. You know that saying... "As you think in your heart, so you are." Doesn't really make sense to the thinking mind because we don't actually "think" with our heart.
But, as you think (over and over) you come to believe.
Whatever you believe becomes a feeling of the heart.
Whatever the heart feels becomes your truth.
Whatever is true for you, you become.
As a woman thinks in her heart, so is she.
So, what is the condition of your heart today?
If you are in the B category you are ending this year positioned to make great things happen in 2020. If you fall mostly in category A, and you don't make an intentional shift, you are poised to experience more of what I KNOW you don't desire to feel in this upcoming new year.
But the good news is this..
t's not too late to shift gears and get your life moving in the right direction.
If you acknowledge that you need help in shifting then let's talk about how I can help you.
Send me an email to Denika@DenikaCarothers.com with "I need your help" and we'll make it happen.
Loving you into 2020...
This is the time of the Divine Feminine Awakening and if you are reading this message I believe there is some profound truth for you in this...
It is crucial that you allow your Divine Feminine to fully awaken. And please understand that you Awakening to your Divine Feminine is not about just you.
The wounded Feminine and the wounded Masculine are depending on your awakening to support them in achieving healing and wholeness at a soul level. The healing of the world is dependent on the Divine Feminine Awakening.
The wounded Masculine is terrified of the Divine Feminine. And they express this fear through forceful control that manifests as violence, rage, abuse and an attempt to overpower the Feminine voice, strength and PowHER. The wounded Masculine knows that he is weak and yet his greatest fear is that weakness being exposed. Because he was taught and conditioned NOT to be weak, NOT to feel, NOT to express, NOT to love unconditionally, he often feels like a fraud within himself and is terrified that this inauthenticity will come to light.
And so he tries to suppress your Divinity because deep down inside your strength, love and PowHER scares him. It makes him feel that he has to compete with you because he doesn't yet understand how to walk alongside you, in his Divine Masculine and just be powerful, without having to prove something.
As the Divine Feminine, you shine your light into darkness, into sickness, into disconnection, into brokenness... your light serves not to expose for embarrassment but rather to love, to guide, to nurture, to heal. But when your light hits the darkness of the wounded Masculine, he feels exposed, confronted and embarrassed.
But this should not deter you...
It should make you more determined to fully walk in your Divine Feminine PowHER because your Divine Feminine is the SOLUTION, not the problem. Your light serves to expose the problem so that healing can take place, within both the wounded Feminine and the wounded Masculine.
It is important that you not willingly or ignorantly dim your light... don't hide your power or your love. It is important that you fully Awaken to your Divine Feminine with truth and honor of who you were created to be in this world.
Your tears, your pleas and you becoming, or showing up, as something other than the Divine Feminine being that you are, cannot fill the void of the wounded masculine or feminine. But know when the wounded Masculine and the wounded Feminine run, they are not running from you... THEY ARE RUNNING FROM THEMSELVES. But the effect of your love and your PowHER stays ever present in their awareness even as they are trying to run away.
Remember that you cannot run away from the truth of who you are... it will always show up.
The call to the Divine Feminine is that you must awaken...
Walk in your Divine Feminine PowHER...
Be Protective of the Divinity within you.
Forgive yourself... Love yourself... Embrace your Divinity and allow NOTHING to stop you from Walking fully in its PowHER.
Allow NOTHING and no one to interfere with you Awakening to your Divine Feminine.
You are the Solution that the World has been Waiting For!
IT'S TIME TO AWAKEN TO YOUR DIVINE FEMININE!!!
#PowHERup #RELAIMyourPowHER #DivineFeminine #DivineFeminineAwakening
The same way it's impossible for you to extract blood out of a stone, you will never be able to receive emotional strength, security or presence from someone who is emotionally immature.
As I speak to women every day, being the empath that I am, my heart feels so heavy as they tell me what they are being challenged with in relationships.
The saddest part of all is that they are looking for something in someone that does not exist. You will never be able to feel emotional stability or security with someone who is emotionally immature.
What is also important to understand in this conversation is that you will draw to yourself someone who supports your emotional vibration. Too many are seeking for something in another person that they have not yet learned how to connect to for them self. This will never work.
We all have emotional challenges in life. Our understanding of how to process our emotions and get others to respond to them was developed within us between the stages of newborn to 6 years old. We learned how to get attention, how to get our own way, how to repel others and how to receive when we were children.
Unfortunately many women and men are brainwashed and conditioned by brokenness. We are often not taught healthy ways to deal with our emotions and have a tendency to react to situations more than we respond within them.
Your dealings with another person will be a direct reflection of how you process your emotions and your thoughts about how you feel.
This is why it is key to learn how to love and respect yourself or being able to give authentic love, respect and maturity to someone else will never be.
In relationships the biggest breakdown occurs when you are looking for someone else to fill your emotional needs. We are taught as children to be dependent on others for our emotional well being and strength. This is a dangerous way to live your life because if you don't know how to feed yourself and you give that power over to someone else... you are always looking for your needs to be met by someone else... you also give that person the power to starve you and decide what you don't need, or worse that you don't deserve to be fed.
Others can only value you to the degree that they value themselves. You will never be able to create a healthy relationship if you...
We all have the ability to be both ignorant and wise, childish and conscientious. Maturity and immaturity are both seen in the way a person behaves. Emotional immaturity usually results in a person who was not given the liberty or freedom to express their feelings as a child but rather had the experience of control and/or manipulation in their familial relationships.
Here are 10 traits of an emotionally immature person:
1. They operate from a place of ego and control more than love and understanding.
Operating from a place of maturity requires you understanding that the world does not revolve around you. In life you will not always get what you want from others. Other people have their own needs and desires and are not here to facilitate yours. Maturity involves releasing the illusion that relationships 'cater' to others and freeing yourself from the bonds of the ego nature.
2. They don't like talking about the way they feel.
Everyone has feelings. Emotionally immature people however are not comfortable when it comes to talking about their feelings. They find processing emotions overwhelming or attach a degree of shame to expressing them which causes them to withdraw and go into shut down mode.
3. They don't connect on a deep level but remain on the surface.
If you've been in a relationship with someone for a long time and you feel like they hold back you might be with someone who is unable or unwilling to connect on a deeper level. They may be very entertaining or like to have fun but when it comes to a deeper level of intimacy (allowing you to see into them) they don't want to go there. An intimate relationship requires opening yourself up to sharing and connection and will bring about a strong sense of closeness and affection.
4. They blame others for their faults.
We were not created to be controlled by others. We have all been given the gift of free will and free choice. However as children most of us experience being subjected to the will, control and manipulation of grown ups. When we are young children we believe that mistakes result in judgement and blame. We expect to be punished when we are at fault and usually look for someone else that we can pass the blame off on. When it's time to take responsibility for their own actions an emotionally immature person will often negate their responsibility by passing the blame, or part of the blame, off to someone else. Maturity requires that we take responsibility for our own actions, recognize our mistakes and learn from them. And when we learn to accept the responsibility and ask for forgiveness, we will learn how to repair the damage caused by the actions we took.
5. They create co-dependent relationships.
When you are not mature to stand on your own you will always depend on others. You tend to see others as a means to an end and will always feel that you need someone. So your desire to be in a relationship is not facilitated by love but rather by need. "I need you" is a classic line that is spoken by an emotionally immature person and is often an unconscious effort to manipulate the other person into doing what you want them to do. The concept of autonomy is not clear to emotionally immature people but autonomy is required for a relationship to be based on freedom.
6. They struggle with commitment.
One sure sign of emotional immaturity is difficulty with commitment. When we are mature we understand that discipline and sacrificed are necessary to achieve our goals. We also learn that commitment does not extract from us our freedom. It is simply a process that will assist us in achieving our long-term goal. In relationships you do not have a foundation for building without a commitment to build.
7. They want everything 'their way'.
Compromise is not something that emotionally immature people do well with. For me personally an inability to compromise is a huge turn off. If your partner would rather throw a tantrum then find a common ground to a problem, you are in a relationship with an emotionally immature person. Being able to communicate in an effort to find resolution is crucial for the success of a relationship when an issue arises.
8. They are irresponsible with their money.
Doing any and everything that they want to do with their money is a typical trait of an emotionally immature person. They tend to be impulsive and this is reflected in the way they manage and handle their money. Immediate satisfaction and gratification is a strong desire for an emotionally immature person and results in buying things they don't need with money they don't have. Their struggle with commitment makes it difficult for them to invest in long-term endeavors. Because of this, this type of person often finds themselves in debt because they are more focused on satisfying their whims. This satisfaction however is very short term.
9. They live life on defense.
We will all experience hurt feelings in relationships but emotional maturity will prevent you from getting overly defensive in the face of small criticisms. In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel comfortable discussing potential issues with the intention to work on them. You should not have to feel as if you are walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting your partner. An emotionally immature person will become extremely defensive over the smallest issues, especially if they are in the wrong. Another sign of emotional immaturity is name-calling which often leads to verbal abuse and emotional abuse.
10. They don't give 100% to the relationship but require you to.
If you find yourself constantly showing up for the betterment of your relationship and your partner is not, that means that you are in a one-sided relationship and your own needs aren't being met. An emotionally immature partner expects you to do everything for them but tends not to be dependable or as generous with their efforts. They may often pick a fight when you ask them to do something that they don't want to do.
If you realize that your partner has some emotional growing up to do, your focused conversation should be on how you would like to grow as a couple to be a stronger team. Singling out your partners emotional limitations will likely make them defensive or feel criticized from your feedback. Expressing positive feelings for your partner will allow them to feel more embraced than rejected. You can also suggest relationship coaching or therapy where a professional can guide you in developing more emotional connection and awareness for each other.
If you're with a partner who exhibits any of the above traits, you will understandably feel frustrated and exhausted and may even wish to throw in the towel. Fortunately, if both of you are willing to grow emotionally you can come out on the other side stronger and more connected.
You didn't see it coming and now you feel like the wind has been sucked out of your sail. You don't know what to do or how you should move forward. You tell yourself that you didn't see this coming and you pray that it's just a bad dream and that tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day, everything will go back to how it was and he'll come back and it will be as it once was. But the truth is that emotionally this is going to hurt for awhile. And more than likely you've been seeing signs and hurting in the relationship for quite some time.
Less than a year ago my husband of eleven years, the one who I made a verbal commitment with that "failure was not an option", chose to leave our home without a spoken word. Two months later he surfaced and after he became physically abusive I was forced to call the police to our home at 2:30 a.m. I was devastated that the man who I had hoped to grow old with would treat me this way. I lost my husband, and the person that I had opened my heart to in a way that I had never done with anyone in the past. I was so disappointed because after our last reconciliation I thought that we had finally figured our shit out and would move through life together. I was on an emotional roller coaster for months, but if you are facing a similar situation on the other side of rejection and abandonment, I promise you that it's not the end of the road... there IS the other side.
I hope that some of the things I have learned in dealing with my own heartache will help you PowHER up, let go of the disappointment, heal your heart, give you hope and help you to see the light that awaits you on the other side of this dark, hurt- filled tunnel. You can move through this, you can feel joy again and you can heal emotionally. You can walk in your PowHER!
1. Don't blame yourself.
Relationships were not designed to be perfect. They are instruments that facilitate lessons that are pivotal to you aligning with who you are. If you played a part in the demise of the relationship, own it so that you can disown it and face the lessons head on. If you did your part to save it don't dwell on what you could have, or should have, done differently. Be proud of your efforts. You honored your end of the bargain and you didn't give up even though you were free to do so. Remember this... if the other person isn't willing to do their part in compromising or working it out then the relationship really can't work. It takes the full participation of two for a relationship to be completely functional.
One of the greatest lessons I have learned in my life is that love is not a feeling, it's a choice. The real test of love is making the effort even when you don't 'feel like' loving the person. Love truly shows up when you set the intention to treasure, adore and honor your partner and your partner sets the same intention towards you. He could have made the same choice you did but you can't control someone else's investment or action... only your own. I know the temptation to wallow in self-pity is real for you right now, but don't live with regrets. Yes, it's sad especially when you think of all of the plans that you made together, but seek to learn the lesson in all of it for you and be open to finding that something better that the Universe has in store for you... and maybe always did. See this as a stepping stone to get you to where you desire and deserve to be.
2. Separate yourself from the hurt.
It might serve you best to cut all contact after the breakup. He is the source of the hurt and pain for you and it's in your best interest to stay as far away from that as possible. Resist the temptation to call, text or social media stalk. It's in your best interest to not know what he's doing because seeing it may spiral you into a deeper hurt that keeps the emotional wound exposed. I was so disappointed that my ex could just walk away and shut me out completely, like there was never any love there. But I realized that he had a right to choose his path and that I needed to protect my emotions by not making any contact with him because it would take longer for the wounds to heal. He became a stranger and on the other side of that I chose to get to know myself even better. On the other side of the betrayal of trust, he will never be able to comfort you the same way he did when you were still together and neither will the answers to your unending questions be satisfied. Let's be real... nobody can really give you a justified explanation for abandonment. If he wasn't willing to give it to you before he left chances are slim that he will be willing to give it to you now. Contacting him will further add to your hurt and disappointment because more than likely what you are looking for, he is not willing to give you.
Some people think you can stay friends after a breakup but if he didn't honor you as a friend before the breakup right now may not be a good time to seek for friendship. Being friends is not impossible but probably not in your best interest initially. Rejection and abandonment damages a relationship. The trust was broken the moment he chose to reject and abandon you and you need to heal before you consider giving friendship consideration.
3. Focus on the most important person - YOU.
In the relationship you were always selfless and conquering life as a team, but now it's time to be self-centered, a little selfish and independent. What matters now is you and giving to yourself what you deserve to have. A few months ago I wished that my husband would get the karma that he deserved but I realized that I was keeping myself in a holding pattern of negativity. I chose to stop thinking about what he deserves and focus on what I deserve. I knew that I would not move forward if I chose to look back. Stop thinking about getting back at him and focus on becoming the greatest version of yourself. I committed 100% this year to become the greatest version of me. That decision resulted in my releasing 50 pounds of body weight. I actually released a total of 325 lbs of body weight ;). I am in the best physical shaped I have ever been in. Get a new hair color (I did a temporary purple gel wax and loved it), find a hobby, set personal goals, take on a new venture - anything, as long as it's for your own well-being and happiness.
4. Don't give up on love just because he chose to walk away.
It can be a challenge on the other side of a broken heart to not become cynical to love and put up emotional walls to love entering in again. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure that I ever want to be married again but am definitely open to finding a new love that is everything I desire to experience. I have decided not to let this failed relationship define me or rob me of what I desire. Nothing worth something ever comes easy. I don't regret my past relationship because it taught me so much about myself and at one point I was very happy in it. I choose to allow it to forever hold a special place in my heart and not be in a place of regret with it. Every time you choose to be in love you take a risk. I took a risk by putting all of my heart into this relationship and unfortunately it ended up with my heart being broken. But if I had not taken that risk I would not have had the experience of loving completely and purely for the first time. We don't know all the cards that the deck of life holds for us. Life presents us with challenges and they often show up in our relationships. It's a real challenge, but I choose to believe that all these risks are going to be worth it when I find the right guy (or he finds me). I hope that you too can believe that and choose to fall in love whenever you can. After all I truly believe that it's better to love than to never have loved at all.
5. Love yourself and know that you deserve the best.
Don't settle. Let me say it even louder... DON'T SETTLE!
Settling for mediocrity is not what you deserve. Mediocre will show up when you are not patient enough to wait for the best. Don't worry, that guy who broke your heart isn't what's best for you. If he was he would still be around. The right guy will honor you, your relationship and will not hurt you by walking away. If you're going through the same hurt I've been through, know that you deserve to receive the same love that you give. Now here's the catch with that... if you don't know HOW to love yourself you will never be able to give or receive the love that you desire to have. So your first priority right now is to fall in love with yourself. Give yourself the opportunity to know what you like, what matters to you, what makes you smile, what brings you joy, what are your own personal boundaries, what you deserve.
The problem is that most women don't know what they want because they are so concerned about what everyone else wants from them. Use this time to connect to the most important person in your world... you. After all if you don't know what you desire you can't expect someone else to provide that for you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. You deserve faithfulness and compassion. You deserve pure love. So give it to yourself first so you can receive it from others.
I am Denika Carothers, Life Coach, author, healer and Mental and Emotional Wellness specialist. I help my clients transcend the pain and trauma of rejection, grief, abandonment, loss and abuse.