I have often heard mothers make this statement... "I am the Mother and the Father!"
No you are not and why would you even want to be? The role of a mother is such a sacred and demanding role on it's own, why would a mother want to even try to assume both roles. But the truth is you cannot be both to your child.
The bible gives us an idea of the male and gender roles in a child's life in the book of Titus Chapter 2.
"But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine: that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, in patience; the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachings of good things - that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the work of God may not be blasphemed. Likewise, exhort the young men to be sober-minded, in all things showing yourself to be a pattern of good works; in doctrine showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned..."
Women/Mothers have forsaken the structure of the family and the home to be "out there" trying to provide and protect (roles that the man has been given to fulfill) and the family and home have suffered greatly as a result. If reading this is in any way causes you to react in an irritated way, or have the thought "is she serious!" it might be a signal that there is some emotional attachment to this for you, that I would encourage you to go a little deeper with. it's because your ego is reacting to the sting of the truth. My prayer is that this message will resonate as truth in the hearts of mothers and women, so we can assume our position once again and bring the Heart of God to the healing process of the family and the earth. Women are the heartbeat of God in the earth
Women/Mothers have been trying to be the Man/Father for so long now, and it has created an imbalance resulting in disharmony in our families and by extension, our societies, communities and world, especially in the Western world. You don't have to believe me, just do a study on other cultures, where the family unit of both mother and father, feminine and masculine energy is honored, revered, strong, present and operates in balance.
There are very specific qualities, teachings and strengths that a child gets from both parents individually. There are certain aspects that a woman brings to the experience of a child, and certain aspects that a man brings to the experience. It is very essential that mothers understand this, especially when they are trying to raise sons without the influence and participation of a male presence.
When I was raising my son as a single mother and he was 11 years old, I quickly realized that I could not teach my son how to be a man. I separated from my children's father when my son was 10 and it was a very difficult time for him. He went from being a very good student to failing in his classes. He began having anxiety attacks, blackouts and his body began to change so rapidly that he probably didn't know how to keep up with it, much less me.
He began asking questions that I could not answer him. I realized that as a woman, I was not equipped to teach my son how to BE A MAN. I could teach him how to love a woman, I could teach him how to treat a woman, I could teach him what women needed, expected and desired. I could teach him to be loving, kind, respectful and strong from a woman's point of view but not from a man's. I could teach him how women think and act, but I could not teach him how as a man he should react to these things. I could not teach him about what his body was doing and how to handle that. I could not teach him how to connect with his masculine energy and process and understand his emotions. On this level men and women operate very differently. Yes I could recite back to him what books said, but from an experience and "knowing" perspective, I could not give him what he needed to understand being a man.
This is why I feel there are so many angry, hurt and confused little boys walking around in the bodies of grown men. Many little boys were not adequately taught how to be a man, so they can't function fully in this role. In addition, many boys hear how terrible their father is, what he is not and the worst of what he is, and by example and comparison, many probably feel that they are what their father is or is not. The sad thing is that many mother's unconsciously do put this negative energy on to their children, specifically sons. So then how do mothers, especially single mothers, give their sons what they need?
Let me share with you what I did. As soon as I recognized that my son needed more than I could give him, I began to pray about how I could facilitate his needs. He was very interested in playing basketball at the time so I allowed him to be involved in that. The coach was a man. I made it a point to have several conversations with the coach, explaining to him what was going on with my son, and soliciting his help in being there as a strong male role model.
I was a part of a strong church community at the time. My youngest daughter's Godfather was an amazing man... very strong, honest, intelligent and he was a good father to his son. I asked him if he would mentor my son and help him to understand life as a man. He did, and he was an amazing influence for him. I also solicited the help of my pastor and allowed my son to be involved in the youth activities at church where strong male role models worked with them.
In addition to this, I always kept the lines of communication open for my son to be able to talk to me whenever he wanted/needed to. I also gave him permission to be okay if he didn't feel comfortable talking with me about everything, but let him know that I would always make sure that I provided him with what he needed, that he should just ask me. I also let him know that it was okay to tell me if he didn't feel comfortable talking to me about something. That way I was able to know if there was something he needed, and I had the opportunity to be able to provide him with that.
My daughters were both very different when it came to needing the influence of a male presence. My eldest daughter loved her father and wanted to spend time with him. My youngest daughter did not really know him and for her it didn't matter. However I knew that there were very specific things that children, boys and girls, needed from their father, or a male presence... specifically validation and acknowledgement.
My own father was not really present and I did not have a good relationship with him when I was growing up. However I understood as I became an adult how much I was affected by what I had missed out on receiving from him. As my children got older, we developed a closer relationship and I explained to him what he did not give me that I felt I needed. I asked him if he would agree to give that to my children so they didn't miss out totally on what they were not being given by their own father. He did, and as adults my children still often talk about the memories they have with my dad and how he impacted them positively.
If your children's father is not able to be in their life for whatever reason, do not tarnish the image of their father in their eyes. So many children grow into adults and remain affected by this type of conditioning.
Do all you can to facilitate the force of a positive male presence being in your child/children's life. As much as possible, keep the lines of communication always open for your child to let you know how they are feeling and what they need.
If you need help in working through this process with your child/children, please feel free to connect with me here.
As a Parenting Expert and Coach, I take the time to fully understand you, your family dynamic, your situation and circumstances before giving any advice. My aim and ultimate goal is always empowerment, transformation and connection. I help parents to connect with understanding the total essence of their children... mind, heart and soul. I coach from a heart and soul space. My advice is very straightforward, loving and truth-filled. I never judge. I support parents in restoring connection, confidence, respect and love to their relationships.
My expertise and specialties revolve around mindset transformation, conflict mediation and resolution, bonding and soulful connections and the Highest Truth. My techniques and methods are loving, safe and extremely effective. Do not hesitate to ask me about any issues you are having. I will support you in the goals you are trying to achieve.
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